Hey you,
It's been a while since I talked to you (more like, ranted your ear off) about any serious subjects, so let's break the streak today. Oh no, this post is not gonna be about Snapchat streaks, although I would very much like to rant about that too. Let's get to that some other day. Today, I want to talk to you about the way our generation perceives age.
For as long as I can remember, growing old or older did not appeal to me. That's mostly because the idea of adulthood seemed more boring than it was terrifying or confusing. I felt that adults had no fun. Every adult I knew spent all their time working, drinking gallons of caffeine, watching sports, serials, or news, talking politics, gossip, etc., with each other, or doing other grownup things that didn't seem very fun to me. No adult I knew sat down to watch cartoons with me. Hardly ever did they play, except maybe cards once in a blue moon. They had their serious faces on at all times, and it was so rare that they did something just for fun.
So I assumed that once you grew up, you got boring. There was no fun or life left in you after your mid-twenties. This conception of mine was strongly supported by all the movies I watched and the serials my grandmother watched while I was growing up. (Don't ask me how I know the plot to many of those serials if I didn't watch them. It's not my fault, nor my grandma's, that she has poor hearing and has to watch TV at loud volumes while I'm trying ~or pretending~ to study.)
In all these Indian movies and serials, the biggest event in a person's life would be their wedding. Once that's done, all they care from then is birthing and raising the next generation. It's as if, for Indians, life is all about continuing the bloodline. No ambition or dreams except providing for your family and taking care of them till your very last breath. Indians hardly get to make a decision in life just for themselves. But that's a bigger conversation, and this post is about the idea of age and growing (older).
A couple of weeks back, I was at a relative's place with my mother and Keer (my younger cousin who's currently staying with us for her studies). The little prince of the house we were visiting happens to be my cousin aged seven or so. He caught me scrolling through Pinterest, scouring the app for inspiration and references for my artwork. I guess I expected the little boy to be interested in these beautiful pictures, sit by my side, and enjoy them quietly. Because honestly, that's what 7-year-old Aarthi would've done.
But obviously, I was wrong, and this child is not much into art. I suppose he finds it as a silly, time-pass sort of thing. Because after staring at my phone for 3 whole seconds, he gave me an odd look followed by, "Do you like crafts so much?" in a condescending tone that did not suit his 7-year-old face. Obviously, I was taken aback and said, "Yeah, I do," to which he said, "You're all grown up, and yet you're looking at this art stuff?" This time, Keer came to the defence and said, "So? Grownups shouldn't do arts and crafts, or what?" His voice and belief were firm when he said, "Yes. I haven't seen any other grownups do artworks. My father and mother never paint or anything. They only work all the time." I felt sorry for the kid, but then he made us watch the movie Thunivu TWICE. So I feel less sorry for him now.
Once, in a conversation with a bunch of my friends who are younger than me by about four years, I said something like, "I'm 23, and I feel like it." I said that as a matter-of-fact, like how you'd say "The weather today is nice" or "I woke up at 7". But for some reason, my friends took that I was sad about my age. One said, "Aarthi, you're not that old." as if 23 was a bad age. I wanted to make them understand that I'm happy about my age, about where I am mentally. But I don't think I conveyed that very well.
I couldn't right then convey to them that I see growing up and growing older as good things, that it's not the worst thing ever, unlike what the entire capitalistic economy is trying to make us believe. From Instagram filters to Lakme's anti-ageing face creams to Botox treatments to fancy gym outfits to Godrej's hair dye to Forever 21, everything we see on a regular basis is making the entire society believe that growing older is the end of the world. I'm sure being old would have its disadvantages, but could we stop that from happening? In the future, maybe. But for now, all we can do is embrace it.
You see, 5 years ago, I felt about this topic just like my friends do now. I believed that being old or older is a horrible thing. From 16 to 20, I pretty much resisted ageing or growing up. I didn't want to be an "adult", the boring kind. My Instagram id literally said "_still_a_kiddo._" and some friends called me Kiddo. Because, honestly, I felt like one. I knew nothing about the world, and growing up seemed extremely scary, like walking into a big black void with no one by your side.
I don't feel like that anymore. I mean, I'm still scared like anything and don't know much about what I'm doing or where I will be in 5 years' time. But also, I'm more excited than scared. I find myself feeling excited to grow into an older version of me that's better than my present version in many ways.
Three years ago, I got into an argument with a staff member because I didn't want to give a presentation as I had stage fright. Over the past year and a half, I've given over half a dozen presentations willingly and have received high praise each time. Some people would later ask me how I did it with such confidence. Each time my response has been, "If only you could see me shaking because of the nerves." But each time I do it, the nerves get more manageable. I grow more confident and more determined to leave my comfort zone, face my fears and make myself proud.
This is what keeps pushing me. Growing older isn't always a bad thing. It also means becoming wiser, stronger, kinder, and more confident. It means improvement. It's right there in "growing older".
Had someone told me I'm beautiful a few years or even a few months ago, I wouldn't have believed them. I still have a hard time accepting it, but now I know that I'm beautiful the way I am. I still shy away from the limelight and get awkward when someone compliments me, but I'm trying to get more comfortable with receiving love the same way I enjoy giving it. It's a long journey of acceptance and embracing my flaws and the world's, but I hope I'll get there someday.
I'm not gonna act like all of this is super easy and that you can practise this from day one. No, we have so much to unlearn. Mindsets built over years or decades cannot be undone in one newsletter. (So I will be posting another on the same topic in a while, hehe.)
The length of this journey gets frustrating at times, and once I ranted about it to a friend who as always said something super wise. "If you get to that place where you're so wise at this young age, the rest of your life will be boring. You'd have nothing else to hope or strive for. Let's say you reach your best emotionally at 25; then what? What would you work towards after that? This slow process will keep you occupied and make your life interesting and worthy of your time. Don't push yourself too hard. You'll get there at your own pace."
I told him we both sounded like extremely old, excruciatingly boring adults. We both laughed at that and decided to be less wise and more young for now.
So, let me end this here and come back to you on another day to pick up right where I left off. 'Cause I have so much more to talk about this! I'm sure you do, too, so rant your heart out in the comments section below.
Thanks for sticking around this long!
Much love,
- A. 👵🏽🌻
✨😌
You are beautiful!✨️✨️